In the past I have used writing as an avenue to alleviate the feelings that I have and am trying to do that now as I write this blog. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, up until today I have been trying to navigate through the feelings of shock, anger, sadness, anxiousness and fear on my own.
Friends and family ask me how I am doing and my instant response is 'ok'. I want to seem strong and in control when in actuality I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I am so sad and angry that my heart feels like it is ready to explode. I do not want to cry in front of my kids so as not to upset them so I hold the tears in until I go to bed. Even then I fight back the tears because I can hear my dad telling me to "stop your crying".
In my head I understand that with time the feelings I am experiencing will not be as overwhelming but it is hard to see down that road right now. I have been leaning on a couple of close friends for support but lately have felt like I am more of a burden to them than they need to put up with.
I know I need to deal with the loss of my dad in a healthy way, but having to acknowledge the pain is almost too much to bear. To everyone out there dealing with loss of some kind just remember that you are not alone!
Thought of the day: What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Quote of the day: Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn't serve anyone, and it's painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, than you're magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people so they can experience something of that person.- Patti Smith